3 posts tagged “body”

My newest, domestic goddess-esque thing I'm excited about is learning to cook.  Not that we only eat frozen pizza and cereal, but I'm not savvy in the kitchen by any stretch of the imagination.  I make a mean spaghetti sauce and kick ass flamin' hot chili, and I can fry up an egg sandwich to die for.  But, when it comes to real, comlete dinners like I want Charlotte to grow up eating with Abram and I, I fall terribly short of proficiency.

So, I've been scouring the internet for recipes that look yummy and also not difficult so that when we get in our house this week I can start whipping things up.  And feeding them to my guinea pig husband.  Luckily, he'll try anything. 

Also, I ran across this website that looks pretty cool.  Once I have a compilation of recipes I might get myself a book.  You know, of recipes I've stolen from other books.  Yes, I am that gangsta. 

In addition to my Betty Crocker-ness I plan on channeling some Christy Brinkley-ness also and make myself into a hot mommy.  Who knows, I might even reallllly channel Christy Brinkley and use the Total Gym to accomplish this.  Eh, probably not.  But I will be getting on the elliptical machine that served as a wonderful coat rack in my old house.  My jiggly-poof must go away.  I REALLY want to be in a bikini this summer.  Is that too unrealistic a goal?  Am I setting myself up for failure?

Ugh, anyhoo....back to work...

Well, it's happened.  I can't deny it anymore, or pretend it doesn't exist. 

I have stretch marks. 

Fuckers!

There's no greater dose of reality than hearing your grandmother on the phone saying:

"Oh yeah!  She looks like a real pregnant lady now.  She has the stretch marks and everything!"

And....I'm not a lady!  I mean, I am...in the sense that I cross my legs when I wear a skirt and I try not to fart in public.  But jeeze, I'm not a lady in the sense that little kids come up to me and say "Hey lady, why are you so wrinkly?"

I'm a woman.  Or a girl.  Or...some mixture of the two.  A Goman.  Well, some mixture that doesn't sound like I'm related to Orcs and Goblins. 

Then there's the girl at work who used to do that passive aggressive complimenting of my tiny waist.  "Wow!  Look at her waist, it's so tiny compared to her hips!  I wish my stomach was that flat."

Now she sees me and she's eating up the fact that I'm bulging at the seams.  She even said to me "Awww, aren't you cute in your Mommy pants."

Mommy pants, eh?!

What?  My Mommy Pants?  Mommy Pants are those pants that come above the belly button and taper at the bottom and make your ass look like it's dripping down the back of your legs.  In what planet is is ok to tell someone they look like they are wearing something so heinous?

Of course, this is the same woman who comes up to me and rubs my belly every time she sees me.  She also tells me I should come in her cube when I feel the baby moving so she can feel her too.  Because THAT sounds like fun!  Sure.  I'll be right over. 

Start holding your breath you tactless cow. 

Outie

So, do all pregnant women's belly button become "outies" when they get far enough along?  I really hope not.  No offense, but that grosses me (and my Jew) out.  Just like I'm grossed out by uncircumcised penises.....the outie belly button makes me cringe.

Right now, my belly button is just pulled so tight its like it's not even there.  I'm fine with that.  I just don't want that little bugger to start poking out, announcing itself to the world.  I've read that if it does happen, I should just put a band-aid over it, which leads me to believe that I'm not the only pregnant chick who's self-conscious about it. 

However, the prospect of grossing Abram out is rather tempting.  So, I make a point of smooshing my belly button outward and chasing him around the house "kissing" him with it.  :)  It's fun to watch him squeal like a little girl.  :)